Friday, April 12, 2013

maternal laws of acquisition......



my mother is in the mood to love me right now. not that she doesn't love me all the time, sometimes i'm sure she could love the life right out of me. but right now she buoyed by the spring weather, photos of her grandchildren and the promise of a visit.  yes, i plan to visit my mother this summer for up to 3 weeks, god help me. i will bury myself in the bosom of my ancestral homeland and pray i don't die of exposure. i plan to take my teenage daughter on a tour of all the historical sites of the maritimes - stand on battlegrounds and peer over ramparts. i will probably also need to be immunized  to face the wonder that is my mother's refrigerator. ketchup that expired in 2009, mystery bits of food wrapped in tinfoil. my mother plays fast and loose with "best before dates." she tells me they are suggestions not facts. she is not deterred by mold or undercooking. i will sleep between damp and sheets and rest my head on pre world war 2 pillows. it will be grand and i'm sure you'll hear about

but this story is not about that. its about another time.....

my mother went on a trip to prince edward island with my sister and her friend. i was not there but i'm sure they traveled along with my mother providing on the spot commentary about the lack of amusement being provided. on the first afternoon, quite suddenly my mother had to pee and if i have not mentioned she is fantastically old and the general rule is never trust the elderly when it comes to holding it. my sister started looking for a place to stop. they came upon a house whose front lawn was awash with whirligigs - you know those little wooden folkarty things that twirl in the wind. my mother said, "look, pull over, there's a gift shop." everyone piled out of the rent-a-car and my sister and her friend walked around the lawn, admiring the items whilst my mother headed for the house. she tapped on the door and walked in. she was greeted, and my mother asked if she could use the bathroom. the women showed her to the washroom. after mom had finished her business she wandered around the place admiring the things on the wall. a ceramic cow took her eye, "why", as she tells it, "beverly would love this because she has cows." this, i should point out,  is my mother's reasoning for all gifts to me. her gifts are often randomly odd and she says things like "well i know how you like french fries so i bought you this pair of plastic potato salt and pepper shakers."

so

my mother finds the woman and says,  "how much for that darling cow. my daughter lives in alberta and she and her husband have a cattle farm. and by the way, you have some lovely things in your gift shop."

 the lady says to mom, "this isn't a gift shop."

my mother and sister stories change at this juncture. my sister tells her part through gritted teeth, "jesus, mom went into someones house, used the bathroom and bought a cow off the god damn living wall."  now, if i'm being honest and why wouldn't i, my sister did not use those swear words. she's so sweet she couldn't,  but her cheeks do turn red and her nostrils do flare when she tells it so i'm inserting the swears i would use.

 my mother's recall has her not fazed at all by urinating in an out of province private home. instead, she says "oh is that so. well, thank you dear for letting me use your washroom. now would you take $2 for that cow."

and that little cow still hangs beside my kitchen sink. it is as homely as sin but it makes me think fondly of the people from prince edward island and of my unflappable mother and her ability to put on a show.

bev

106 comments:

  1. Haha, that's just sooo funny.
    Thanks, ic

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you ian. i appreciate the visit.

      Delete
  2. My grandmother and your mom would have hit it off so well! My grandmother was . . . unique. Enjoy it while you can, lots of wonderful stories to pass down. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi kathy, yes they're unique. it is especially enjoyable when it doesn't happen with me. thanks for the visit. xx

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  3. Serves those people right for filling their lawn with those goddamn whirligigs.

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  4. Replies
    1. hello lois, thank you and thanks for visiting

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  5. OMW Bev this is hysterical!! xoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi cindy, i glad you liked it. good to see your smiling face. xoxo

      Delete
  6. What a funny story. The minute you mentioned that she "thought" it was a gift shop, I knew that wasn't necessarily so as some yards are just havens for doodads, whatchamacallits and general tawdry yard art. Still...I love it that they let her use the bathroom and sold her the cow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear cheryl, my mother did say it was a nice bathroom but the cow's ugly. thanks for stopping by. god, i have to get over to your blog.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. ha, i love it when you come over here xx

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  8. What a cute story! Thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well hello coffee lady, thank you for visiting and commenting.

      Delete
  9. I'm laughing so hard I'm holding my stomach and crying! I love it and this little story explains why you let strangers in your back door. "No natural fear of strangers" as told by your hubby. It's the PEI in you. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing and the laughs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear lisa, thank you so much for such a lovely comment. yes, my mother and where i'm from explains a lot about me. thanks for visiting. xxx

      Delete
  10. You are starting to scsre me...just a little bit. I'm beginning to susspect your Mother and my Grandmother (maternal side) are related. The one difference that might possible be there is, had no one answered the door, my Grandma would have wandered into the back yard, found a big tree, hiked her skirts up and the layers of slips, girgles, pantyhose, and underwear down, and let loose on the guiltless tree. Because that's what country women do when they gotta go. After all, ANY tree is WAY cleaner than the cleanest looking public restroom...
    And isn't it funny how the things that would mortify us were we wih them, amuse us to no end when it's someone else there? *grin*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello sweetie, i hope you're feeling better. i bet we are related. if no had of answered the door my mother would probably have looked under the mat for a key. and yes things are a lot funnier when we are not involved. xxx

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  11. So funny! I thought I was reading my own journal as you described your mother's kitchen......we have an unwritten rule in our family that you don't eat or drink anything at our mom's - stop at Tim;s on the way, bring her a steeped tea and you're good for the visit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi heather, i can not tell you how many times mom has said to me "just cut the green bit off, its fine" thanks for the lovely comment.

      Delete
  12. I nearly fell off my seat--oh, who am I kidding, I'm on the toilet cause its the only quiet place in my house--reading this. Thanks, Bev - fabulous!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear anna, ha ha ha. you and chris should get together, she plays angry birds on the toilet. i glad you liked it and thank you for stopping by. i must go to your blog now

      Delete
  13. Oh my heck. Oh-my-heck! I saw it coming and I STILL cringed! Another great anecdote!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi candace, that's my mother, you see her coming but you can't stop her. thanks for the nice comment.

      Delete
  14. hahahaha, the stories of your mother almost makes me wish I was old and didn't give a crap what others thought. :0)
    Debbi
    -yankeeburrowcreations

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear debbi, i can't wait. my mother always says "if you going to think it, you may as well say it" she's a firecracker. thanks for reading. xx

      Delete
  15. Laughing, laughing, laughing! That's so fucking funny!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you. thank you. thank you! you're so god damn funny!

      Delete
  16. Visiting & following you back:-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you brenda for visting and following

      Delete
  17. Oh my! That's hilarious. You should go back and give her a thank you note! ;-)

    And thanks for stopping by - following back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello micheko, that is a very cool name. i should write her a letter of apology :). thanks for visiting and following

      Delete
  18. Hahahahaha! What a great story! That is something I would do.
    I'm following you back!

    Jordan

    www.lilpasteeaters.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dear jordan, are you my mother? i glad you like it and thanks for following.

      Delete
  19. ROFL L hahaha. What a story. Your mother reminds me of my father's mother and some of his stories about his mother's unflappable quirky personality. I love your story. Thank you for inviting me to your blog. Following you back.

    Handmade at Warratahstree

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dearest tracy, i had no idea what ROLF meant but i looked it up. thank you. i dare you to tell my mother she's quirky. ha ha. thanks so much for the lovely comment and for visiting.

      Delete
  20. Such a funny story :)) But she got the cow even if it wasn't a gift shop :))

    Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog, followed back ;)

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey anca, you have a pretty name. god that sounded like a pick up line - sorry. thanks for nice comment and for following.

      Delete
  21. omg hilarious! and I can so relate. I have a crazy mother too...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. my god, you people and you're lovely names - talya. thanks so much for stopping by. maybe we should compare stories.

      Delete
  22. I this story, Bev, and your wonderful telling of it. Go and enjoy your mom. Mine died when I was only 23 and I'd give anything for just one more visit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dearest jane, my dad passed away when i was 6 so i know the sadness of missing a parent. i glad you enjoyed it and thanks so much for the visit.

      Delete
  23. This is truly funny. Hilarious! I think my mother and yours would get along famously. I'm guessing you get to be a certain age and all rational ways fly out the window. I remember once my mom took me up skiing, which is humorous in itself since she doesn't ski... but it was back in the time when people wore crazy hats. Okay, maybe she was overly excited that she'd survived a day on the slopes but when we got into the lodge she ended up beelining over to a complete stranger and tousled her "hat"...Saying something like "Oh, I Love It!" Turned out it was her afro and my mom's ring was stuck in her hair. I took my tray of burger and fries and moved on. Thanks so much for the well-needed laugh, Bev!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. annie sweetie, haha haha. see you know what i'm up against. my mother would have said, "that's some head of hair you got there, no wonder i'm caught in it" then she would wander over to me opera whispering loudly " she has to know her hair doesn't look good like that. xx

      Delete
  24. Wow. You gotta love those who just speak their minds and push through to get their way! Thanks for the follow! Following back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. why thank you carrie-ann for the visit and the follow.

      Delete
  25. thank you for the follow I am following back. Funny story Bev.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks for following back. pretty cool name jei

      Delete
  26. Thank you for the link. too funny, enjoyed your mom stories

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello gramma, thank you for the visit and nice comment.

      Delete
  27. Love these stories, Bev! Puts me in mind of my southern grama. The woman would cop a squat anywhere. I have inherited that jean as evidenced by last weekend when I squatted along Highway 1 while Husband held up a coat (to shield oncoming traffic/drivers from the view).

    xo

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    Replies
    1. hello buttercup, i am extremely poor at open air peeing. i end up with my pee shooting off in all directions. great girl scout skill. are you restricted to #1's - bless you husband if you're not. and oh my we're xing and ooing now xxoxo

      Delete
  28. What a wonderful story, just the right thing for a Monday morning! That's put me on the right track with a huge grin on my face, thank you :-)

    Michelle (Frazzled Shell) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. why thank you mama g. i'm happy you enjoyed it. and thanks for stopping by and leaving a lovely comment.

      Delete
  29. I suspect this is but a taste of the stories you have about your mom. I'm surprised the monkey didn't make an appearance.

    Make sure to get a prescription for Xanax before you leave this summer. The generic is cheaper.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dearest amy, perhaps i'll have to have mother revival week - just so you can see what i'm up against and i believe at the time of this story my mother was referring to her monkey as her cootie cat.xxx

      Delete
  30. Thanks for stopping by and following me. I just wanted to let you know that I am now following you back.
    I look forward to reading more from your Blog. I hope you'll stop by to visit my blog from time to time.
    http://lifewithtwinsandadramaqueen.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello life, twins and drama queen. this seems very formal. may i call you edelis. let's be friends. thank you visiting and follwoing.

      Delete
  31. thank you so much for stopping by my blog and commenting!

    HongKongChic

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much for stopping by my blog and commenting. and thanks for following mandy.

      Delete
  32. What a great story! Thanks for sharing! You have to love Islanders!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. can i call you fundy or blue. thanks for the nice comment.

      Delete
  33. WONDERFUL story, Bev! Clearly your mother is not a redneck like me, because I would have just stopped off on the highway and made for the tall grass or woods. Because that's just the kind of classy gal I am. xx

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    Replies
    1. dearest katie bird, did you have a nice weekend? you and terri should get together and have a roadside pee-off. point for style, cleanliness and use of natural flora. thanks for coming over xxx

      Delete
  34. I so want to be traveling along the PEI highway right now looking at houses with cute whimsical whirligigs flying in the wind and a lady so kind as to lend her bathroom to a complete stranger.

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    Replies
    1. it was so lovely to talk to you tonight. i can't wait until we are walking the beach and laughing our heads off. we will look for the house when we're on the island. i would also like to go to the international house of dolls because amy says it sounds creepy. xxxx

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ok anon, you and your band of wankers are becoming a nuisance. jesus, i love comments but can't you people put down your crack pipe and start making sense.

      Delete
  36. I love this Bev. Puts me in mind of an Acadia Professor who immediately called his girlfriend on returning from World War II. "Will you marry me he gushed." "Why of course I will" his would be bride answered. "Who's calling?" :)

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    Replies
    1. oh mark, that's very sweet and i think i may i have said that before. it may even have been at acadia. xx

      Delete
  37. haha! i love it!
    i can only make it a weekend back home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi elle sees, i guess the big question for you is - "sees what?" thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment.

      Delete
  38. I'm going to make a suggestion. Coming from Julie DeNeen 2.0. You left a comment on my blog and all it said was, "I'm in the Blog Hop- come check out my site." I have to say that it is more likely that I would come here, read, and comment if you actually commented on my work, rather than simply told me to come here and read your stuff. Anyway, since I'm here....I'll comment:I would love to visit Prince Edward Island. I like the way you tell stories..and the pictures, well they are beautiful. Have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sweet, my first slightly pissy comment. i can tell by your tone you've got your ass all up. that's ok. my mother said there'd be people like you. your comment is valid and i'm guilty. that said, jesus don't hold back, tell me how you really feel. i know you got more. let it out. bring it on.
      ps. i'm sorry (sort of)
      pss. thanks for the nice bit at the end or are you being all passive agressive and i just can't see your face.
      psss. have a great day.

      Delete
  39. Your mom is hilarious - love that they sold her the cow anyway!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you dana - sorry i'd say more but fighting with julie 2.0 has tired me out.

      Delete
  40. Requesting permission to copy & paste Julie DeNeen's comment and your reply to my facebook page? ....PLEEEASE????... lol!!!

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  42. Nevermind...couldn't figure out how to do it. Probably shouldn't anyway. What is up with buddy's above comment? Do you suppose it's a message in code? Let's see - niyosithfoshloyoaltegowokeitup...go woke it up? wtf?

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  43. Dear Bev, your mom truly is one of a kind--or so it seems to me. My mom died at 58 when I was 31. So I never got to be with her as she aged. Those years were not to be. So many questions I never asked so many stories I never heard. So much life never lived in her.

    Having said this I want to say that I enjoy the stories about your mom and you and the exchanges between you and the spats and misunderstandings and the love that underlies all of this.

    I've been away from posting and reading blogs for several weeks due to headaches. But it would seem you've been away also. I surely hope you haven't been ill and that all is right with your life--or as right as life can be when we enter into the fray. Peace.

    ReplyDelete
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