Friday, May 3, 2013

let's review the tape..........



i must warn you, i'm going to use the word anus in this post. not that's such a bad word. its just one i find quite startling to write. i not used to typing it. i say it a lot  - as in - "my husband being a giant anus" but i rarely write it down - as in -  correspondence to my mother - "your son-in-law being a giant anus." i ran into a similar problem when i used the word masturbation in a post. again, i just don't write that word a lot. i don't put pen to paper and say the neighbours' boy lost a thumb from vigorous masturbation. so hang on when you see anus.

some people bring out the best in others, some the worst. i seem to bring out the unexpected. people have the habit of saying the oddest things to me. sometimes my friends think i'm lying when relay a tidbit from someone else but then they're with me, it happens, and they look at me in shocked silence  and i say "weird isn't it".

this past week a perfectly nice lady cornered me and told me her god had a special plan for me. to be frank i did nothing to illicit this, i was minding my own business, eating a hot dog. she introduced herself, we chitchatted and then boom - she leaned in close and said "god has a special plan for you." as a nearly atheist, agnostic girl this was troubling. why was her god targeting me? why not give her a special plan? i was led to assume that this special plan was most likely carnal in nature. jesus, everyone wants a piece of the deliciousness that is me.

i also had a awkward encounter last week with a nurse. i asked what i could possibly give a baby girl, who was in my care, to boost her immune system. let's just put it out there that i was confident she was going to say vitamin drops. i was just about to say "i'll buy some on my way out." then, out of the blue she says, "breast milk." i was dumbstruck -  breast milk. how is breast milk the answer to any question in my world. "well, as it turns out," i said, " i don't have any." not deterred she told me to go to the milk bank. again i replied, "well, as it turns out i don't know where that is." "never mind," she said," i know a woman whose producing 70 oz a day. i'm sure she share with you. here's her number." "yea, maybe not today. i said.

of course
 when i moved to the prairies and started my my life as farm wife i found that farm women liked to talk about worms - specifically worms in their children. there were two camps, those who wormed and those who didn;'t. i fell in with the non-wormers. over the years i have heard an ever increasing number of ways to detect and expose the worm. when my children were small, people simply gave their children a worm pill in the spring - much like we give our cows. although, the cows get a liquid poured on their back to kill all and any parasitical intruders. sometimes i would spill a tiny bit of this bovine medication on the kids' heads and hoped that would do the job for them.
 in the last year or so i have heard of mothers actually going looking for the worms. no more blind dosing. people are becoming proactive. one mother told me that she goes in her kid's room at night pulls down their pants and shines a flashlight on their kids ass. then shuts it off and looks for worms - the worms apparently climb out of the anus at night and glow in the dark. jesus, jesus, jesus, so much planning. the csi flashlight, lying awake, waiting for opportunity and body position.

but
the mother of all evidence gathering came from my friend whose name rhymes with tim. she said her friends' mom  taped her kids anuses at night and in the morning pulled the tape off and the worms apparently stuck to the tape. sort of like a fly trap or one of those glue mouse traps. well this information sent me to the borders of my imagination. what sort of tape did she use - gift wrap invisible or standard duck tape. i assumed the tape would run vertical  like a adhesive thong. was it pulled off quickly like a band-aid or slowly for the big worm reveal? what age range were the children? who in holy hell thought of this? who said "i've got a idea let's put a bit of tape on the little fellers' ass and see what crawls out. come here to mommy."

so you see you can't shock me. well, you can shock me but only for a second and then i'm good to go.

bev
ps. for those who would like to know
hornet had a heifer calf this year and we named her terri
sally the christmas horse is lovely. she is halter broke and the apple of my daughter's eye

76 comments:

  1. God has a plan for you? Does he want you to do him a favour? Pick up his drycleaning? Lend him a cup of sugar? She really should have been more specific.

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    1. hi kellie, i know, it was quite startling. i was thinking i hope he can wait until i finished my hot dog. thanks for stopping by xxx

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  2. Bless your little heart. I think ya may be a tad bit tetched (as the old folks would say). I can always depend on you to give me roll in the floor laughs. This was a good one.

    Julie
    I Create Purty Thangs

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    1. why thank you julie, that was very sweet. i may be tetched or just super normal. thank you my dear.

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  3. Oh gosh. I've been waiting all week for your post. This was definitely worth it.

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    1. hello kristina, that is a very lovely comment. thank you so much.

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  4. Literally laughing out loud at this one!! Tape thong, glow in the dark, flashlights!!! You are hysterical! Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. good lord, i'm getting all dewy. thank you for saying nice things about me.

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  5. `...there were two camps, those who wormed and those who didn't...'
    Yeah, I see God a little like that too.
    Cheers, ic

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    1. hi ian, it is funny what the world boils down to - the rest is just details. cheers and thanks

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  6. OMG, I knew I loved you...if only because you clarified worms and when to use anus in a post. Random fact....I once had a babysitter who decided to take on a few more kids one afternoon who were plagued with worms. We could see them crawling around in their scalp. Way more exciting than finger painting or eating apples and peanut butter. Just in case you're wondering...I didn't stick around for the glow-worm-tape-peel-off.

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    1. dearest annie, yes worms are the tie that bind us all. i glad you liked it. did you have trouble typing anus or are you a pro. thanks for all your support and for the pep talk. xxx

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  7. For a while My cousins were 'worm pickers' - going out in the dark dewy hours with flash lights and tine cans tied to their thighs. Did flash light mom have a tin can into which she could drop the worms?

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    1. hello francie, you bring up an interesting point. i will ask. thanks for stopping by and reading.

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  8. I'v have never, in my life, heard of worms in people. Wild! You're hilarious, by the by.

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    1. dear kate, where on earth do you live? thank for the kind words.

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  9. OMG...people are putting tape on their kids bums???? That is so wrong on so many levels. I see a bright future for psychiatrists in your area.

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    1. hello cheryl - yes, you can't beat us country folk when it comes to cutting edge medical treatment. thanks for stopping by.

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  10. What with all the weird stuff people tell you, you'll never be bored in your life. And you know, I bet people don't discuss breast milk and anal worms with Margaret Atwood.

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    1. oh dear debra, you always know how to cheer me up. thank you for that. have you read the new sedaris book yet? xxx

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  11. Very entertaining and by that I mean WEIRD post. You make me laugh!

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    1. hi lisa, welcome to my every day. thanks for coming by.

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  12. Bev - I was braced for the word "anus," but not so much for the whole image of worms and a tape thong. After that, I had no problem with "anus." :) And I think that tape thong thing might catch on--might save some ladies a bit of time with the whole waxing shenanigans that I have yet to understand. Or not. Either way, love the post. Had me laughing like a maniac.

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    1. dear anna. people just continue to surprise the hell out of me. those creative little buggers. and i have heard of that lady waxing - why????
      thanks for visiting and for the nice comment.

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    1. stop it. now you're just being silly

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  14. i've heard of the tape method!

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  15. I spit my coffee! And this wasn't just any cooffee. Noooo!!!!! This? Was first thing in the morning cooffee! Your humor has deprived my body of much needed cafeine that would help my brain catch up to processing this!
    When my kids were little and would run around like little monsters, my Grandmother called it a "worm fit." She said the worms wiggling around inside of them made them act crazy. If ONLY she'd encouraged me to tape their ass' or put a spotlight on it. Nope. I was encouraged to sift through poo to look. OH, and giving them tobacco juice would kill the worms. (And possibly anything else.)
    Such it is haveing a Grandma who grew up on a atobacco farm and told stories of worm exorcisms...with PRIDE! *grin*

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    1. dearest, i am pleased someone else is well schooled in the subject of worms. maybe we should write a paper. sorry about you coffee. i just don't like keeping all this information to myself.
      ps you should write a post about grandma

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  16. Thanks for the laugh, Bev. I should know better than to read your blog while drinking coffee. Lol.

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    1. dear carmen. thank you so much. sorry about the coffee, maybe you have worms.

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  17. You've just added to my list of phobias. Can a non-farm-dwelling human get worms? Dear lord, Bev, I'm having palpitations over here. Where are my smelling salts?

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    1. yes kate, you're probably infested with worms right now. million and millions or maybe just one big one.
      just kidding around - sort of
      ha ha

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    2. Where is the xanax when I need it! Gah!!!!!

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  18. Goodness you run in to some crazy people! Haha. So glad I found your blog.

    Be sure to check out my sunglasses giveaway!
    RebeccawithanR

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    1. hi rebecca, yes i do. i go check out the giveaway. thanks

      Delete
  19. Maybe the plan that lady's god has for you is to be the recipient of all the weird stuff in the world, because you share it so well and, in doing so, make others smile. Hey -- it's possible. ;)

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    1. dear jayne, maybe who knows. seems a strange calling. thanks so much for reading.

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  20. Oh, I'm stopping myself from writing/saying many things here. First, you cracked me up ... as usual. Second, this worm business could be traumatic for less hardy children. Given the choice between the flashlight-wielding mother and the tape, I'd have been a tape girl. And I'm not surprised that someone's God has a plan for you. Too bad you didn't need the milk a couple of years ago. My friend had an entire garage fridge full of it. We talked about launching a gourmet cheese business with it. I still don't believe you named Hornet's baby Terri. I want proof. p.s. it may not be a divine "plan" ... but I have a feeling you're important in some kiddos lives.

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    1. hello buttercup. first - so you're a tape girl - interesting. i would have pictured you a glow in the dark kind of girl. second - a fridge full of breast milk. hmmmm. third - what sort of proof do you require, you know cows can't talk. shall i have her tap out her name in morse code. better yet, get your ass up here and meet her in person. xxx

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    2. I don't doubt your in a "liar" way ... I doubt in a "jokester" way. I think she should send a letter to her auntie Terri. Don't farm folks learn how to interpret various forms of "moo"? Do you know shorthand? And I've read enough Gary Larson cartoons to know that, when humans aren't around, cows indeed speak.

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  21. oh my gosh that last story is so horrifying haha. must be so fun that people share the weirdest things with you. i've learned that i am that person who guys love to say "why don't you smile, girl?" to. yikes. also not pleasant. anyways you were so sweet to visit/comment on my blog awhile back and i'm finally getting back to following yours! :)
    -- jackiejade.blogspot.com

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    1. hello jackie jade, that's a very pretty name. i'm pleased to have horrified you. thanks for the visit and the follow.

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  22. Okay, new follower, and you had me laughing right out loud in the first paragraph. I can already tell yours is going to be one of my favorite blogs.

    Also, that story is horrifying. Absolutely horrifying.

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    1. dear jess, welcome to wonderland. horrifying things happen around her all the time. thanks for the kind words and for following.

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  23. Wow! Thank you Bev I am so HAPPY you found me! I am following and I *cannot* wait to keep reading! Thank you :)
    XO
    http://mrs-aok-a-work-in-progress.blogspot.com

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    1. ha ha. i just got that aok. thank you so much for saying nice things and thanks for the visit.

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  24. Bev, you never fail to surprise me. Going into that post I had no idea I was going to learning about taping a child's anus for tapeworms. Brava m'dear.

    http://penpaperpad.com.

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    1. dear tamara, that's what i'm here for - the road less traveled. thanks so much for the comment and visit.

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  25. This made me laugh!! I will follow. :-)

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    1. thank you mary gene atwood. do you know margaret?

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    1. honesty anon, you're getting desperate

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  27. Next up . . . guinea worms (you pull them out of sores on your toes). Hurry because Jimmy Carter is about to eradicate them.

    Also, I think washi tape would make a lovely and colorful anus taping choice.

    I'm not shockable either. Sort of.

    Hugs.

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    1. dear amy, hello. i love the idea of a washi taped anus, what it lacks in stickiness it makes up for in curb appeal. xxx

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  28. new follower from the friend connect hop!
    www.violetlulu.blogspot.com

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    1. hi hanna. thank you for visiting and following

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  29. Thanks a bunch for the follow on GFC, I am happy to return the favor! Hope you had a wonderful Tuesday :o)

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    1. hi cropped. thanks for the follow and i did have a wonderful tuesday.

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  30. Hi Bev - thanks for cheering up my very dull morning before I start work. Those taped up kids must be scarred for life mentally and physically! I can't believe it stuck on all night....sweat...scratching....gone. Gives a whole new meaning to Tape Worms. x

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    1. dearest em, how are you. thank you for the lovely comment. ha ha about the tape worms.

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  31. Dear Bev, actually, I can remember being about eight or nine, because we'd moved to my grandmother's farmhouse and waking one night to discover that my mom was holding up my nightgown and shining a flashlight at my bottom. When I sleepily asked her what was happening, she said, "I'm looking for worms." I had no idea what she was talking about and went back to sleep! Peace.

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    1. oh my god dee, you're a flashlight child. i think you should all form a group and talk about it on tv. thank you so much for your visit.

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  33. Hey. Does a strip search for ticks count?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. i cannot tell you how many times i have taken my clothes off for the tick.

      Delete
  34. BEV!! When I was but a boy - kids afflicted with the lowly butt worms were given red medicine that left your mouth, tongue and lips visibly RED for days. Every kid in school recognized the afflicted and chastised them accordingly - "He's got worms!" Chasing you around the recess yard taunting you until your face blushed the same color as your lips. I don't remember any nocturnal search lights focused on me butt. Such is progress. Pills and butt lights. :) Hope you are well.

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    1. mark. what part of ns are you from??? we had no such thing on the south shore. you poor boy. i am well. hope you are too

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  35. Oh Beverly! You never cease to amaze me! If you didn't travel in the same circle as moi, I would think you are crazy!

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    1. see, here ladies and gentlemen is the proof i don't make this stuff up. thanks sweetie. xxx

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  36. OK, about that picture...Where can I buy those personal wormshield thingies?

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    1. hello doug, they are actually russian snow sheilds. cool huh? thanks for the viist.

      Delete
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