Thursday, November 21, 2013

waiting for time.....



well, here i am. i hope i have something to say.  my life has been altered, rearranged in a way i never saw coming. my sweet husband is gone. a summer filled with treatments, driving, pain, forms and more forms. a fall filled with long good byes. whispers of a life well lived, of love and laughter. and of course tears.

we never asked why? we never bowed our heads and asked for miracle. we understood from the second it was uttered, the future we had planned was impossible. we instead starting thinking about life in days. our time was no longer a stretch of open prairie, it had become a finite thing. we felt no urgency to rush, we would wait for time.

and then the time came. the unbelievable quietness of death. the flurry of activity that followed. the rituals and rites. and then, quite literally the snow came - over 1 metre of it.  it became the period at the end of the sentence. i was forced to pause. i was forced to look around at this new world order. i was forced to face some hard truths. i was forced stand still for a moment.


so now i wait for time again. people watch me and i in turn watch them. my mother, bless her, waits for me to crack. it gives me hope that i might disappoint her yet again. i cannot grieve in the open. i cannot stand and wail. i cannot take to my bed. instead i find my sadness bobbing on a sea of gratitude. i find that happiness cannot be denied, laughter creeps in through the cracks of my grief. i am blessed to have had 30 years of marriage. i am blessed to watch our children. i am blessed to be surrounded by family and friends. i am blessed to encounter so many kind strangers.

i am told that this is shock. i am told this is denial.  i prefer to think i'm waiting...... i'm waiting for time.

bev

60 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Thinking of you.

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  2. Bev, I am so sorry for your loss.

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  3. I was just thinking of you yesterday, and now I see this post. I'm so sorry. Everyone is different and you certainly don't have to fit a particular mold. Sending prayers.

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  4. My deepest condolences, Bev. Wishing you all the best as you journey down this new road.

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  5. I am so very sorry for your loss Bev. I hope you are surrounded by love as you make your way through this.

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    1. jenn, thank you and yes i am surrounded by the kindest of peope.

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  6. What a sad post, I am so sorry to read this today lie Debra has said you have my deepest condolences.

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    1. don't be sad jo-anne. thank you for the message

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  7. First, what can one say in the wake of such a loss? I wish it hadn't happened. Second, you continue to amaze me with your buoyant spirit. Third, this is a beautiful piece of writing. I am grateful for your gratitude. I am grateful for our phone conversation. You give me something to aspire to, Bev. Keep writing as the time you wait for comes.

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    1. dearest terri. i think of you often and wish you were not going through your troubles. but this grief and pain will bind us for life. we find our way through.

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    2. Terri, you said everything I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words. Thank you.

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  8. Dearest Bev...I think about you half a dozen times a day. I think about your family. Heck, I even think about your Mother. I think about the Christmas pony and your girls.
    Bu mostly, I think about you and all the hugs I wish I could give you in person. But distance dictates that I simply give them to you in my heart and mind. And I do...tons of them!
    And lots of love as well, dear Sister.

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    Replies
    1. thank you sweet chris. i think about you whenever i am wrapped in my warm shawl.

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  9. You sound strong Bev and you will get through this. I'm so sorry. I've been waiting for this post, wondering how you are. I send you much love over the pond and know you will move forward and find that time. x

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  10. Le temps passe et n'efface rien...
    Votre mari est dans votre coeur et pour toujours...
    Anna

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  11. I don't know you, I've only been reading your blog for about a year...and still I wish you all the best.Stay strong.xx

    dreaming is believing

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  12. I am so sorry. I have no words....
    Debbi

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  13. Dearest Bev, I am sending to you every ounce of love and warmth and peace I posses within me.

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  14. Bev,
    Know that you are greatly loved. Also, know that your reaction to grief is your own personal expression. I didn't cry for months after I lost my mother. It wasn't shock; it was learning to live without. It felt like slow motion.

    Sending you a big bear hug from Kentucky,
    Amy

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    1. sweet amy, thank you for the lovely card and all you kind words. xx

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  15. Dearest Bev, I'm adding to the chorus of love and gratitude that swells around you. How I wish that I could carry your pain for a little while and give you some rest and peace. Thank you for telling us what's going on with you -- and whenever you want to talk about your sweet husband, we are all so happy to listen.

    xx Lady C

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  16. I am so sorry for your loss. I've been married for 25 years and I can only imagine what it must be like. Please keep writing and sharing here because there is healing in connecting with others. I'm sending you and your family my prayers.

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  17. Hugs to you, Bev. I have been praying for you and will continue. Thank you for your beautiful words. xo

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  18. At the heart of all the loss are 30 wonderful years that no one can ever take away from you.

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  19. Bev,
    I am so very sorry for your loss. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't been sending healing thoughts your way. I am glad you are surrounding by loving friends and family...and I'm glad you are back writing. It will help. It is such a big part of you.

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    1. oh annie, your notes have given me strength. thank you so much and i'm glad to hear you are doing well. xx

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  20. "Waiting for time." What grace you have. I'm sorry for your loss, Bev.. I'm sending you a hug.

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  21. May God bless you and keep you safe in his grasp and may love envelope you

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  22. Your sense of gratitude is touching and does speak of love and life well-lived. I am so sorry for your loss Bev, and am sending prayers your way, Peggy

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  23. I am so sorry to read of your loss. My sincerest condolences.

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  24. No matter how long we have our loved ones, it's never long enough. My heart breaks for you, Bev. You speak of the joys and memories of 30 wonderful years. How blessed you are, and my prayer is that they will buoy you over these rough waters. Big hugs...

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  25. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face...my heart breaks for you. This post...this post is beautiful. Just beautiful. The words just flew right off the screen and into my heart. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you love, peace, comfort, joy, and endless grace. xo

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  26. Dear Bev, I have no words except those that came to my mind as I read your entry into loss. And those words quite simple were the ones from a long-ago read poem, "if winter comes, can spring be far behind." He is with you, I believe, in the snowflake and flurry as he will be in the spring blossom. Memory is sure and rich and comforting. Not as comforting as human arms and lips pressed to cheek but as comforting as the Oneness that you always shared with him. Be gracious to yourself. Find within yourself the love that he felt for you and toward you and give yourself the comfort of that love. Peace.

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  27. Many many prayers for you and your sweet family. Grieve in your own way. So sorry for your loss. Your words speak volumes, thank you for sharing your story.

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  33. Dear Bev, you remain in my thoughts. Please know that you are dear to all your readers. And please be gracious to yourself in your loss and in your grieving and in your finding a new reason for living. Peace.

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  34. Dear Bev! Thank you for sharing your emotions! When reading it tears came to my eyes, but at the same time I realized once again how precious every moment is and how thankful we should be for every good thing in our lives! So so sorry for your loss!
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