Tuesday, January 28, 2014

a journey of a thousand steps.....




is that right? no, it has something to do with miles and beginning with a single step. well, i have to start small, i can't think of miles right now.

this is the plan. i need to write or i'll go mad. i need to start this new life of mine - somewhere.  i need to focus. i need to breathe. so i thought i would start by keeping a weekly(?) diary of sorts. how i am - where i'm going - that sort of thing. firstly, i need to be kept accountable or at least reminded to continue in a forward direction. secondly, i need to somehow come to terms with the fact that my life is still very sad and will be so for a long time but that my life is also incredibly joyful and happy. i have to find a way to mash the two together without losing sight of either one. i feel like if i write a happy post, everyone, including myself will think "my god, you heartless bitch" but then again if i write depressing things about my grief everyone, including myself will think. " jesus, come on already."  i know this sounds very business-like but i have to start somewhere. i have to, over the coming year, get my shit together. there are practical matters to be dealt with - earning money, the farm, the septic system..... and on and on. there are the children and our ability to carve out some sort of new life. how to be happy and sad at the same time.

so off we go.

i'm fine, i'm really fine. i say that a lot now. i mean it about 80% of the time. people have been so incredibly kind and good to us. our community and family have quite literally given us a financial buffer that allows us to get through this first year without having to think about the power or gas and many, many other things. that gift is such a blessing and i want to remind myself, often, i must make the most of it. i must parlay that into the next phase. i must take those good wishes and hopes and show in the end, that we were worthy to receive them.

our lives right now are ruled by snow. this little part of alberta has received almost 200cm of snow this season. and nearly all of that now has decided to stick around. everything is made near impossible by waist high snowbanks. neighbours plough the driveway and shovel paths to feed the livestock. it snows almost everyday. i'd cry if it wasn't so damn funny. if this snow is a message from god. i'm just not getting it. my goal this week is to go the dump. i've never been. sad, really, that in 30 years of marriage i have not managed to help with garbage. i had to phone my friend and ask her how to do it. i have to find the dump card. i'm weirdly nervous about going but really i can't put it off. i let you know......

that was then - (2 weeks ago)..

this is now. i put off writing. but i read somewhere recently a quote "i will write myself well" i could google to see who thought that gem up, but does it matter? it is stuck in my head now. i did not end up going to the dump - bill, the crusty farmer went. he came over and collected my trash. so it appears i may be starting widowhood as i was in marriage - not taking responsibility for my own shit.

the snow has settled- it only comes to your knees now and so a lot more things seem possible. january is almost over. the sun is holding heat. spring is not far off. the farm ticks along, the children tick along. there is ballet, piano and 4H. i am tired, i will admit that, and i dream of my husband almost every night.

my grief comes in waves of panic. i feel, i'm sure, as a heroin addict feels. i can't breath or think of anything else. i want my life back. i want him back, now. i find if i just sit in that moment it will wash over me and i am ok. the panic passes, the knowledge that you would do anything in that panic to have what you want and then if you just let go, it passes on and leaves you in peace.

there i got that out. i think i'll finish here for today. i have so much more to tell you, funny stuff about my mom. i just want you to know that i'm living, i'm breathing in and out. i see a way forward. i don't know if will turn out to be "the" way but i must step onto the path and see where it leads......

bev xx

ps. i have linked this post with http://www.stephaniehowell.com/my_weblog/2014/01/blog-your-heart-january-2014-edition.html  who is i must say a lovely lady. i have added it to the "Blog your Heart" series. i hope to do more of these sorts of things this year - force my feelings out. i would like to insert a smiley face or say LOL here but i'll restrain myself.






68 comments:

  1. my heart bleeds for you and i am so very glad to hear your voice. i think, in this, the best i can offer is to listen. i will always listen to whatever you need to say in whatever manner that you need to say it.

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    1. oh sweet doris, thank you. i know that my potty mouth probably distresses you. i can't tell you how much i enjoy your posts. i sit peering at the screen trying to take in all the details - not i might add in a stalker like way - more in far-off addled auntie way. i appreciate your kind words. xx

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  2. Bev, I found you via Blog Your Heart and I hope that sharing your thoughts does help with the grieving process. Sometimes just putting the words outside myself helps me move forward, even incrementally. I am glad that you are part of a real community and have many people to support and care for you.

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    1. hello claire, i happy to meet you. never give up on spotting a unicorn - there everywhere. that, if your reading and you are not claire concerns her heartful blog post. go give her some love.
      our community has been wonderful. their kindness is like a warm shawl we gratefully wear.

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    1. it is good to hear from you as well, kathy love
      i must pop over and see what you've been up to.

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  4. Bev, you make my heart feel so full of so many things. I'm glad you're back - everyone's right, it feels so good to hear from you.

    To quote my favorite writing mentor from graduate school, "We must not avert our eyes. By writing, we see everything - the good, the bad, and the blend. Sometimes we don't want to watch; sometimes we can't look away. No matter what, however, we must not avert out eyes. To do so is injustice to ourselves and that upon which we should be gazing."

    Wishing you courage and comfort with this writing. I've missed you and will read every word. I promise you. You're writing with heart and eyes wide open and we'll read in the same way.

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    1. my baby katie p, who is growing up before my virtual eyes. i don't think i have taken the time lately to tell you how proud i am of you. well i am.
      i must tell you to inhabit my brain right now is somewhat like a chinese firedrill. there are bits of my personality trying like crazy people to sort things out and other bits calmly pointing out new issues.
      sorry, that sounded far removed from your elegant quote. but it is true - to tell the truth we cannot look away. we must see the truth for what it is and in the end we must bless it. it was lovely to see your little face here. xxx

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  5. You honour us by sharing your journey. I see you have a sturdy pair of snowshoes. That's good.

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    1. you honour me by continuing to come to visit. i wish i could make you some tea. i do have sturdy snowshoes. i fear i may be a slow learner on path to independent woman - but did you notice my big gun. it a confidence booster. xx

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  6. I was so happy to see a blog post from you today, writing can be such a outlet better than taking a hammer and walking around a parking lot smashing head lights.........lol

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    1. dearest jo-anne. hello. yes, writing is a saner choice. it beats calling god a bastard every 15 minutes. :) xxx

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  7. It's so nice to see 'Black ink paperie' in my inbox!! Something about your writing drew me to you. Now, I'm rooting for your strength just like everyone else here at your site.

    I know how January can be on the Prairies. I lived in Edmonton for 22 years. The daylight will soon grow and more sunshine will come your way. Keep writing, Bev. Hugs to you.

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  8. hello my friend, thank you for such lovely and kind words. i generally love winter. i have lived on this farm my entire married life. in winter cold and darkness by 4:00pm meant we spent lots of family time together or visiting. neighbours. but the heat in the sun now feels so lovely. and the lengthening days hold promise.

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  9. Contente de savoir que ça va mieux...
    Bonne journée !
    Anna

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    1. merci. j'espère que vous êtes bien.

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. You are writing my life! I feel so much for you. It has been 8 years since God took my son.....he needed a competent pilot and heavy machinery operator. My grandson is now hidden away in BC, on the Alaska Hiway....two days to get there and back. No other children. But I have a good life.....not great....but a good life. I will read your blog more often. My name is Susan.

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    1. oh sweetness, i am so sorry for your loss. i hope that we both find the peace we seek. life is full of joy and it is within our reach. i am pleased to meet you susan. feel free to speak your heart here whenever you wish. xx

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  12. My heart mourns with you. And I know from experience that writing does help. While you must make the journey on your own, please know that you have a whole {virtual} community supporting you. May your heart soon know peace. ♥

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    1. thank you jeanne. i appreciate your comment and the support from this virtual community very much. sometimes i can write things here that i cannot say aloud to my friends. we should all have a mug of virtual tea together.

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  13. I'm so glad you plan to write your heart well. Thank you for your words.Sending prayers and warm thoughts to you. Long may the sun continue to bring promise.
    PS: I've never been to the dump either.

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    1. dear anna, thank you for the lovely words. if we lived close we could do dump tours together. xx

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  14. Oh Bev! One step at a time, and before you know it, you will have progressed a mile. Are you a fan of Finding Nemo? "Just keep swimming."
    I would love to read your weekly diary. Thanks so much for sharing your heart.
    Take care,
    angela

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    1. hi angela. thank you for the encouragement. i enjoyed your blog post. i'm pleased to meet you. i like nemo but i'm afraid the little bugger would freeze his ass off in alberta. :)

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  15. Replies
    1. niki! i read your blog post, that was quite naughty. i sense you have a lot of spunk. thanks for stopping by.

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  16. Just one snow shoe at a time, Bev. I'm so very happy to hear your voice again. Keep writing. I'll try to do the same. xoxo

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    1. dearest cousin amy, i am happy to see your little face here. i want you to blog so desperately! come on, i must see what you make and hear your voice. xx

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  17. I almost cheered out loud to see you in my blog roll today. Thank you for including us in your journey. Oh... and going to the dump is over-rated.

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    1. god jenn, that cheered me up. i envy your dump knowledge. thank you so much for your lovely comment! xx

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  18. "...so it appears i may be starting widowhood as i was in marriage - not taking responsibility for my own shit."

    It's so good to have your tell-it-like-it-is voice back. You have been thought of often and missed more than you know. So welcome back, my friend. Write your way through this and, going forward, know that we here in the blogosphere have your back. Big hugs!

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    1. oh jane, i was so sure the disturbed son had set the house afire - you clever, clever girl. thank you so much for the kind words. i feel ready to take on the world. big hugs back!

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  19. I was so glad to see your post come through on my reader. I can't put myself in your position but I am here to tell you...if you write a happy post, I will celebrate it. Not for a minute would I think your are a "bitch". You must grasp onto every happy thought you can and wedge them in between the sad and the worry.

    I wish you the best on your new journey and hope you find some new paths that are joyous.

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    1. hello cheryl, i'm so happy to be remember by so many lovely people, like yourself. it seems i have been gone forever. my fingers are stiff but my heart is willing to go forward. thank you! thank you!

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    1. dearest francie, your art is beautiful. i should tell you that more often. thanks for stopping by.xx

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  21. I am here when you need someone to buckle-up your snowshoes or load your gun. Xo

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    1. my dearest susan, i love you so much. you came from the sea when i needed you most. we sat and drank tea and marvelled at life - the good and the bad. i think i have another gun in that bag i'm holding and i'd appreciate a wingman. xxxxx

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  22. My beautiful, wonderful Sister, I wish so much that I could sit and have tea with you right now. (OK, I'm an American, so I'd drink coffee.)
    I am grateful beyond words that you're writing again. Part of me was afraid the words had passed on with your dear one. It made me sad to think I'd never experience your amazing writing again.
    I'm happy, in basically a selfish way, that you're here again. I could lie and say I'm happy because the world deserves you. (Which they totally do!) But, I'm happiest because I need you!
    Even though we may never meet, you became so much a part of my life that there's been a hole these many months. (See? TOTALLY selfish!)
    Know that my heart has been and continues to be with you. Know that you are dearly loved, with or without the words. And please, know that I'm here, Sister! *hugs*

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    1. oh my dear girl, most days this long winter have found me wrapped in your shawl. i sip tea in the morning and ponder the day. i am definitely phoning next week so get ready to have your ear talked right off your head.
      you spoil me with all your pretty words. thank you xxxxx

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  23. So I'm pretty sure I told you this word for word last time...but you are so inspiring to me. And a crazy talented writer. Sending you so so so so much love. xo

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    1. hello, it is so lovely to see you here again. thanks for inspiring me to join the blog your heart. i cannot tell you how much i enjoy your blog. thank you again for the love and support. xx

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  24. Bev - it's lovely to hear from you and of course no one will judge you for feeling a little happy from time to time. In you situation I think you must find joy in some things or you would go mad. My dearest heartfelt good wishes to you and the family. I think of you often as I trawl through the blog roll and find you absent. xx

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    1. dear em - thank you for your kind words. your photos cheer me when i am low. i hope to show up here on a much more regular basis. xx

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  25. Hey Nerd! It's your neighbour, Erin. I can't believe you have never been to the dump. I tell you, it's an interesting and wonderful place! You can tell a lot about a place by the dump. I once scored a saddle pad and a bridle in BC. Dale and Leonora have brought home many treasures. A skill he learned well from his mother, and will pass down to his daughter.
    I will call you next time we are doing a 'family' trip. You can tag along and get your feet wet.
    You and Amy should pop by this weekend and pet puppies. That usually is a salve for sore hearts.

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    1. nerd!! why can't i be called pecker head or something. the whole dump thing makes me nervous that i will somehow fail. my garbage will be rejected. they will say things like i think you could have gotten a bit more meat off that bone.
      we will try and stop this weekend to the mill. miss see you and the babe. oh and of course dale. xx

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  26. Bev,
    I'm so glad that you are writing. Thank you for sharing your experience. I've been thinking of you a lot and hoping you are navigating this tough time. Take good care, dear Bev.

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    1. dear anne, how i worry over you and whether you are better. is your strength starting to return. there are so many questions i have. don't worry about me. i have already survived what i was sure i could not. xx

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  27. Bev! Never a dump date have you? They were a Saturday event during renovation season when we lived in Calgary. No scavenging allowed for the non aviary types...too bad too cuz there was some awesome stuff just waiting to be crushed by the dozer that could have lived on as a rustic this or a shabby chic that. Now you just talk to Ken and he can keep an eye out for what you need or just come and scavenge til you need a shot for tetanus. Let me know when you need a new dishwasher thingamajiggy cuz I need one too and we can make up crazy stories about who threw it out how it came upon the dump. hugs to you and amy with the beautiful pictures that just make you sick shes so pretty. Be good, Talk soon. Jen and girlies

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    1. hello anonymous jen and girlies. nice undercover work there. i have never shopped at the dump. maybe ken won't like me. maybe he'll think i use too much paper towel.
      yes, that baby of mine is getting pretty. we just may snag a boyfriend for her or catch one and keep him in the basement until she turns 16. xx

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  28. Bev, I found your blog via Blog your Heart! God Bless you! Grieving is so hard. I hope that being absorbed in writing will take some of your pain away. Baby steps, day by day. I am a Canadian that lives to your south in MT. I would love to share a cup of tea with you. So thankful to see the days finally getting longer! Big hugs!

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    1. hello leslee and welcome. thank you for your kind words. yes, i have to keep things small because i become overwhelmed but the sheer number of things i have to attend to.
      do you like Montana? you are welcome to cross the border any day and come for tea. i sure we would talk up a storm. i'm heading to your blog now to check it out!

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    2. Thanks for dropping in and visiting my blog. Where are you in Alberta? I am only a couple of hours from the border. Love that MT is o laid back and not the hubbub of the big city. Love to scrapbook and make cards. Not sure I have a fav. Have a good mixture in my scrap space!

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    3. leslee your blog is delightful! i live an hour and a half west of edmonton so quite a way from the boarder. if you're ever in the neighbourhood give me a shout.

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  29. nice your site thanks for sharing love you all teme good work keep it up.
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    1. oh my god nadeem, you're back. you know how i love a good spammer. keep up the good work. xx

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  30. nice your site thanks for sharing love you all teme good work keep it up.
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    1. really nadeem, twice in one post. try to tamp your enthusiasm down a bit.

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  31. Dear Bev, I am so grateful that you are returning to blogging for your postings in the past always gave me figurative bread to eat and to add my own peanutbutter and jelly so that I was replete after reading your words and discovering where they impinged on my own experience. I have never been married or in a serious relationship and so I know only the death of my dearest friend, who was, for me, a soulmate. The loss of Annette and my mom and dad taught me what I know of grief. And so I can bow down in humility and reverence before your grief and loss.

    There is a novel--really a novella in length--that you might read. Or not. It is by Gail Godwin and is, I've read, partly autobiographical. It is the story of a how a woman lives through and with her grief after the death of her husband: "Evenings at Five." Peace.

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    1. Thank you,
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    2. dear olympia gold, it things like this that make me smile and wish i had your job. i cannot tell you of the joy you and your fake jewelry bring me.

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    3. dearest dee, olympia has butted in on your spot. thank you so much for your lovely words. i have come to rely on them and they encourage and comfort me. i have ordered the book and will attempt to read it, although sad things still make me very sad. love bev xx

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  32. "my grief comes in waves of panic. i feel, i'm sure, as a heroin addict feels. i can't breath or think of anything else. i want my life back. i want him back, now. i find if i just sit in that moment it will wash over me and i am ok. the panic passes, the knowledge that you would do anything in that panic to have what you want and then if you just let go, it passes on and leaves you in peace."

    Oh, Bev dear, this is such a powerful paragraph you've written. I think of you often ... not that that helps anything. Oh, how I wish I had a few coins to hop a train and visit you. I'm totally serious. I've actually contemplated showing up at your door. Why the f!@ck not? We could cry together then sing nasty dirges. Do they have karaoke in the farmlands of Alberta? You are a strong woman! Bless you all.

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    1. get your ass up here. we have both had enough misery in our lives. you could sing to hornet and cook your zesty food. i too, wish i was there with you holding your hand on the bus. let's talk soon and work out a plan!!

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  33. I hadn't visited before happen stanced over from Em's place.
    Your words convey your feelings of pain and fears so profoundly as do they also covey a certain lost peace of mind mingling on the out skirts with hope gathering in the balance. You see it even if it is elusive , and shrouded a lot lately , your seeing it there waiting, all a process of over whelming grief we trudge through.
    I think it's true about writing ourself well, just spitting it out on paper clears the way a bit, for moving back and forth between emotions and yet writing ,unloading the mind, does seem to eventually take one in a better direction.

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